 |
Sometimes my background creeps into my conscious thoughts when I least expect it, and anxieties that I thought I’d conquered re-emerge. Like if I need to use a keyboard extension that needs two hands to utilise. Or if I’m trying to complete a task that requires an element of maths or mathematical logic. Does that ever happen to you? Obviously your circumstances and past would be different, and other random, seemingly innocent things might bring up a long suppressed rage or anxiety in you…
When I was young, I had three bleeds in my brain, close to my brain stem, essentially strokes. In that respect, I am incredibly lucky to not have been affected more, or even killed. I had brain surgery for the last two. I remember being ‘able’, before the bleeds, I was eight, nine and eleven when they happened, and they were all random and unexpected.
After each one, I was left completely paralysed without movement on the left hand side of my body, unable to walk and unable to swallow food correctly. I endured months of physical, occupational and hydro therapy in order to get almost all function back. After the first bleed, I did regain almost all function and mobility, and I returned to school to finish year four. Not long after, I had another bleed and I was back to square one. Again I mostly recovered with therapy.
Then, whilst on holiday with my family and best friend, I became very depressed and started having nose bleeds - another bleed in my brain. Again, I had surgery and months of therapy, but my slightly older brain did not recover as well as before. After about six months, I was back at school, straight into the SATs at the end of year five, just after spending another xmas in hospital.
The ‘learning ability assessments’ affected me - did I have a learning disability?
How would I know?
Would anyone tell me?
I had rocky teenage years, with my past creeping back in many forms. I needed my wheelchair for support when I was tired, but not all the time. I was constantly told I was ‘faking it’ and doing it ‘for attention’. I struggled to come to terms with my disability, constantly asking 'why me?'.
‘People with hemiplegia aren’t good at maths’ I was told by my secondary school SENCO (someone who manages the education of students who might need extra help)
‘People with hemiplegia are bad at logic puzzles’ said someone else
‘People will always see your disability first’ said someone else
‘A woman… with a disability… you will never be good enough’ said the media
‘No matter how hard you try, you’ll always end up back to square one’ I concluded from my life experience so far.
I struggled with depression and anxiety for years. I had missed about two years, on and off, of school and socialising with people my age. I decided that this must mean I am bad at making friends.
If I need to use a keyboard extension that needs two hands to cover, I get frustrated for a second, because I know I cannot physically do that. But then? Fine, I don’t need to use that extension - find another one.
If I need to solve a math or logic problem in my code practices, I get frustrated, because of what I’ve been told. I cry. I get annoyed if someone (usually my poor husband!) tries to help. But then I step back. I apologise. I forget the ‘You Are Not Good At This By Default.’ mentality. And I can do it.
I am now a mid-20s adult with a disability, I have no use of my left hand and I walk with a limp. I still feel overwhelmed with certain loud noises, particularly machinery - type noises. I think this comes from the amount of MRI scans I've had.
I can look back now and tell you that no, I’m not the top of the class for maths, but I’m not BAD at it. My brain wiped out my times-tables knowledge during my illness (I used to know them by rote!), but I can still learn. I don’t find logic puzzles particularly hard, but I only realised that after I stopped listening to people telling me that ‘people like you’ aren’t good at it. I’m really good at reading. I can spot an error in a text from a mile off. I’m pretty good at writing. Focus on what you are good at, and who is supportive of YOU.
I’ve supported those with mental health issues, as a mentor with MIND, I’ve been a carer, I’ve supported children and adults with severe autism and their teachers. I’ve supported Senior Execs, Directors, CEOs, COOs and managers.
I don’t want to support anymore. I have started on a journey for me. I want to support myself, my family and my friends.
Decide you are good at something, or that you want to do something, and you can do it. Don’t listen to those who want to put you in a box. No one can tell you what you can or can’t do.
I woke up on 18th June 2020 and decided that I wanted to learn to code, to give myself more chances in this weird world.
Only you can give yourself those chances.